I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I looked at my own cervix.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
