shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
