I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
