I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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