I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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