listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
