you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
