Your tits are I can't wait for
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
