I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
