i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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