I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
