If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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