you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
