I was born with a shot glass in my hand
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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