Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I understand Curling. That high.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
