??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
