My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
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