My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
