Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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