An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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