i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
