12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
