My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
