My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
one two three fourrrrnication!
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
