did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
