I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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