Just fell off a train. Bad.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
