I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
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