I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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