We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
