Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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