I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
