Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize