Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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