I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
