it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
