The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
