it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
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