what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
