he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize
