Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
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