I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Randomize
