A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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