paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize
