She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
