One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
