Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I just gargled with NyQuil
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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