Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guiltš
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I just made the most āsingle lifeā Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
