My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
