The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
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