I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize