dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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