Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
