Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
She's not a foreskin expert like you
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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