and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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